Tell your funniest jokes here

Drop your gun please,why?Because...I said please.

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? elephino (get it, hell if i know)

what was the guys name that climbed ropes? dick burns

your mom

commander_chair wrote:your mom

you sound like your 8 when you say that

Best Joke Ever IMO :P:

THE WAYSIDE CHAPEL 
 
 
An English Lady, making plans for an inexpensive visit to Switzerland, wrote to a country 
Inn for a room reservation. She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as 
close as possible to a WC. 
 
You Anglophiles will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was 
not that well acquainted with the English, so he took the letter to his friend the parish 
priest and asked “What is a WC?” 
 
The priest mulled this over for a time and then the dawn broke. “I’ve got it, he said; of 
course she means Wayside Chapel”. Very pleased to have his problem solved, the 
Innkeeper hastened to write to the English lady. 
 
 
Dear Madam: 
 
It is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have a lovely room reserved for 
your visit and that there, indeed, is a WC. It is located only two miles from the Inn, in a 
beautiful grove of pine trees which give a feeling of serenity to the visitor. We will be most 
pleased to arrange transportation for you during your stay with us. 
 
It may surprise you to know that our WC holds over two hundred persons per sitting. It is a good 
idea to go as early as possible in order to get a good seat, as sometimes standing room only is 
available, and is especially hard on some of the older ladies. 
 
On Sundays, a good number of people take picnic lunches and make a day of it. Others take a 
bus or horse carriage and usually arrive only just in time. I would recommend Madam arrange to 
go on Thursday evenings when there is organ accompaniment. Although the building dates back 
to the 12th Century, the acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds may be heard 
in the halls. 
 
We are very proud of our unusual bell, donated by a wealthy visitor, which rings every time 
someone makes an offering. 
 
Unfortunately my wife has a rather delicate condition so she has not been able to attend 
regularly. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. 
 
In conclusion, we hope your visit with us will be most happy, so please let me know if you wish 
a seat reserved for you, for the season at the WC; there is a service charge but it will ensure you 
an upholstered seat. We suggest you bring your camera as the evening candle lighting ceremony 
in the WC is very colourful and it’s a beautiful sight to see the light playing on the fountains. 
 
Some come with cheer – some with charity – but all leave satisfied. 

Not much funny here, so I am bringing the lawlz.  

"If you wanna see the rainbow you must first endure the rain. Or get pills..."

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Kidnapping is such a harsh term... I prefer SURPRISE ADOPTION!"

"You'll never take me alive!
That's okay. You being alive wasn't part of our plan anyway."

"Mercy. Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them."

"Give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; SET a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!"

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."

"If life gives you lemons, why make lemonade?
Squeeze out the juice and spray it into people's faces!
It keeps away stalkers."

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van."

"Once, my computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing!"

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs made the ark, and professionals built the titanic."

"Kay. "You's" isn't a word, you can't “seen” something, though you can "have seen", a comma is a period as much as I am a pine cone, and for the love of all that is cute and fluffy, if you're going to use the semi-colon, USE IT PROPERLY. That is all... For now."

"The warrior's best weapon is the word.  However, if my words are not heavy enough, I'll add the weight of my axe."

"I'm not in denial; I'm just selective about the realities I accept."

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."

"My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me."

"If you ever feel alone, just remember… I’m stalking you."

"When in doubt, C4."

"There is a thin line between madness and genius. I use that line as a jump rope."

"There is no “I” in team...but there is a "me" if you jumble it around a bit."

"War does not determine who is right – only who is left."

"The reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."

"Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy potatoes, which is kind of the same thing."

"We're not retreating; we're advancing in a different direction."

"If you ever get lost, just remember this: The bark always grows on the outside of a tree."

I have my sources...

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

commander_chair wrote:your mom

*you're

Ripstik__Warrior wrote:

commander_chair wrote:your mom

*you're

*your...

You're = You are.

You are mom doesn't make much sense unless it is supposed to be a joke... :S

Anyway:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

All my good jokes are too dirty for a public thread.

PM me if you want some.

Big_Piglet wrote:All my good jokes are too dirty for a public thread.

huehuehue

revilo410 wrote:

Ripstik__Warrior wrote:

commander_chair wrote:your mom

*you're

*your...

You're = You are.

You are mom doesn't make much sense unless it is supposed to be a joke... :S

Yes, it was supposed to be a joke. I understand contractions! :3

Your bro calls shotgun? Thats the time to call "Rosa Parks". We all know what happens next.

Rip you went to the academy you should know your grammer.

i c wat u dd thur revilo410 ^-^ good one, slickster.

slickster tho, omg. That is the best nickname i've seen in 19 years.

dead babies...

mhreynolds wrote:dead babies...

You must have a sick sense of humor either that or your joking,at least I hope you are...

Lina wrote:

So true........