English Memoir - Suggestions?

Hey all,
so I have to write an English Memoir, and it is an event that occurred in your life.

I will copy my memoir here, and if anyones good at English, because I have to write it in exam conditions in 2 days, could you give me any suggestions, or feedback?

* Note. This is bullshit. It wasn't my first funeral, and I lie throughout the whole story, so don't think I'm a weirdo lol.

Memoir
We walked up the steep hill, with the church overlooking us. The wind whispered, and it started to rain. The children’s tears flowed like a never-ending waterfall of depression. There were numerous people wearing black, I had never attended a funeral before.
My sister and I entered the church and the priest welcomed us. We stood inside for a few minutes, until the rest of the family walked in. The priest walked up to the front, the music stopped, and everything went dead silent.
After a few sorrowful words, the priest welcomed the nieces and nephews up to the front to read from the bible. Fortunately I didn’t have to speak. I was absolutely relieved, because with my spacer, my voice resembled that of Donald Duck.
After being seated again, the presentation started. I tried to retain my tears as I constantly told myself, ‘I will not cry.’ I was successful until I looked at the photos, and listened to the music. Suddenly, I couldn’t hold it back and I just let it all out. As the presentation came to an end, I realized that I would never see him again.
The Priest again started to talk, and I started to get extremely restless. He asked us all to stand up, and say some prayers and sing to the hymns. When we got to the hymns I was absolutely confused and impatient. I couldn’t find the page we were reading, and I was getting frustrated. I felt a huge pain in my stomach. My face started to turn pale, everything went blurry and my head was swimming. I soon started to feel numb, and I thought I was going to vomit. My ears were ringing and my vision turned black.

I woke up on the ground with faces looking down on me. It took me twenty seconds or so, to be seated. I realised my Uncle’s coffin was already raised and I wasn’t there to mourn him. I felt guilty, everyone’s attention turned to me, and I felt like I had given no respect to my late Uncle.

My cousin did give me advice, “Next time just wriggle your toes” but I never realised I would actually faint. Things just happen, my first ever faint just had to occur on my first funeral.

This is my 300th post btw.

Good memoir

You could add something in like

~I gazed up at the stain glass windows; they looked back. Never before had I felt lost in emotions.~

And maybe ~My body was struggling to find an apporpriate 'thing' to do at this moment. It was like the very end of time had engulfed what sense I had left.~

But Im just saying what comes into my head. Good Luck! Oh, and a few theings to remember:

RTQ (Read the question)

PLAN

CHECK

Js. They really make the difference between a pass and.. well.. a fail.

GOOD LUCK!

Ya good luck buddy

No offence, but I think it's a bit dramatic. According to a quick google definition that I did, "Memoir:An account of the personal experiences of an author." It sounds more like a story to me. MY personal opinion is not to use 'fancy language' as most of my teachers called it. Don't try to put too much icing on the cake, or may spoil it.

I'd suggest adding memories of you uncle, even if they're made up, to make the connection between you two a bit more understandable. With the piece given, I don't even know his name.

I mean, don't think i'm hating on you or anything, in fact, it's quick the contrary; I want you to get a good grade on it!

[Edit] Also, it's not even 400 words. I mean, where I come from these things would be 1000 at least. I'd suggest adding lengthy memories of your uncle, things you did together, things you know him for. Stuff like that to give it some filler, but interesting and reletive discussion.
I hope you take my advice into consideration.

I'm just saying it was smart too do it on this server cuz there are so many people on to give opinions

I agree with it being short but my English teacher always told us to make the memoir full of figurative language and things. Idk if you did that as I don't have time to read this, off to a doctor's appointment.

Also, have you already started school or is this summer work?

Ok, now that I've read it a bit, I like the beginning, it's a good hook as my teachers always said, but then I feel like things got a bit less descriptive. My teacher also stressed description in memoirs so adding lots of that would be good and add extra words for length.

Kevo235 wrote:[Edit] Also, it's not even 400 words. I mean, where I come from these things would be 1000 at least. I'd suggest adding lengthy memories of your uncle, things you did together, things you know him for. Stuff like that to give it some filler, but interesting and reletive discussion.
I hope you take my advice into consideration.

Hey Kevo, well I have a 3 day test on English, answering questions to texts. On the third day (at the back of the booklet) we have to write a memoir. And I forgot to tell everyone It only has to be 350 - 600 words

lordgonk wrote:
Also, have you already started school or is this summer work?

Ok, now that I've read it a bit, I like the beginning, it's a good hook as my teachers always said, but then I feel like things got a bit less descriptive. My teacher also stressed description in memoirs so adding lots of that would be good and add extra words for length.

Thanks for the figurative language advice, and I have school from february to Early December. I have my huge Summer holidays at christmas time.

I mean, sure it has to be a minimum of 350 words, but why stop there? If you want a decent mark, i'd suggest adding stories of your uncle and stuff. I mean, it's not that hard. I pumped out a 1000 word essay in 40 minutes once, if you put your mind to it, it's actually quite easy.