A Rant

I need to do this. I absolutely have to do this otherwise I'll explode. Before I begin If you believe this to be a harboring for attention post? So be it, I honestly don't care, but I know the truth. The truth is me, needing to talk, needing to vent in the most public way possible I suppose. SO maybe in a way, perhaps in the end I am harboring for attention. I honestly don't know. I haven't talked to anyone yet about this because this literally just happened, though this is something that has been building up for a very long time. 

Before I say anything else I want to say you guys mean the world to me. You always have, ever since the first day I stepped onto this server. You are incredible people with extraordinary personalities and gigantic hearts. Never, ever lose that. This world loves to rip away your being, who you are, what you believe in, making you grey, and heartless. Don't let it. Find something you can hold close to you and you fight for it, and you always keep it in the back of your mind. Don't let this world win. 

Christmas is coming up as many of you know. And if not Christmas at least some variation of the holiday, even if it's a bullshit Graft bandage present day or something. However, it is coming and it's one of the most enthusiastic events of the year. Television, internet, stores, friends, family all remind you that it's coming and you look at it every day, counting down the days until its time to celebrate with your family and cherish what you have. 

I watch it count down for an entirely different reason. For nearly a year now, I've been looking for a job for one singular purpose. I want to assure my brother has a Christmas and my Granny and Momma can at least buy something for him. Before you give me the rants about it's not about the presents, I understand that, more than you'll ever know. I've grown up poor all of my life and I never had much of a christmas. But I had a Christmas. Even my father, who I do not have the best relationship with made sure that I had something for Christmas until I was old enough to understand it was breaking them, and they would have to let a bill go to do so. I understood that and I was perfectly fine with it, happy even because I knew that me not getting anything knew bills would be paid and we would be safe. That's all I ever cared about. 

But I don't want my brother to "Have to understand." Last year, my momma saved up for two months so she could buy him a twenty dollar game. just something, anything so that he wouldn't have to go back to school, or go outside and look at all of the other kids with their new toys and have to explain to everyone that "We're not in the best position in the world right now." Agwyn pitched in last year. She sent me some money and I used it to buy my brother a few things, and I actually got to wrap them. We didn't have a tree, but we had a floor, so it worked out. I'll never forget what she did and even now it makes me nearly cry thinking about how close we cut it. 

I've been looking for a job nearly a year now and this is the root of the rant, here. Application after application, all of them saying the same damned thing. We don't want you. We don't need you. You need to have X amount of years of experience to work here. Tell me, how the HELL do I get experience in an entry level job position that requires experience so I can have eperience in said entry job position? Pardon my language but this system is becoming more and more fucked up as the time passes and there's not a thing I can do about it! It's not even for lack of trying either. I've worked exceptionally hard to have a job before Christmas, just a couple of paychecks so that I can afford something, anything for Christmas. 

I filled out an application last night when I got home to see about a job at a nearby store. It looked good. I talked to two separate people who both referenced me and signed the application themselves. Both people said they would speak to the manager, Steven about the job and things would be alright. So after a night of  no sleep I get up around seven and call at eight, when I was told he would be in. I wound up having to call several times before he arrived at around ten. When he answered the phone, I said,
      "Hello there. MY name's Casey Jones and I was asking about the application I put in last night. I was hoping that you would be able to speak with me-" 
      That was all I was able to get out before the manager cut me off and said, 
      "Look I ain't hiring no one right now. Sorry." Not deterred I Said, 
     "Fair enough. However, would you be open to-" I never finished my sentence before he hung up the phone. I'm not gonna lie people it pissed me off, incredibly so. I guess they overheard it, because when I put down the phone granny goes, 
      "That was quick. What happened?" I told her what happened and it really began to eat at me. Maybe it was because I had been denied so many times before. Maybe I was just tired of it. EIther way I stood up and said, "I've got half a mind to go down there. Maybe if I speak to him face to face, he'll at least hear me out, and perhaps listen to why I need the work so badly. You know what? That's exactly what I'll do." 

I did just that. I got ready, changed clothes, made myself presentable and I left. I drove down there, and I pulled up to the store, and got out of the truck. As I got out I saw the manager coming out of the store. He looked at me (He knew who I was) and the next thing I knew? He was in his truck! He tried to drive off! However I picked up my pace and got to his rear view and waved and he stomped on his brakes threw open the door of his truck and went "Yes?" With the most irritated voice he could muster. I really wish I was making this up and I really wish I was lying about this. God I wish I was. Anyways, I looked up at him and said, 
      "Hello, My name is Casey Jones-" 
      "I know who you are." 
      "I was hoping you'd give me five or ten minutes of your time-" 
      "If I needed someone, I'd interview them." It was at that point he shut the truck door and drove off. He never gave me time to speak. He never allowed me to discuss the urgency of my situation. Nothing. He just...drove off.

That...was absolutely devastating to me. I'm not doing this for my own personal gain, I've never done anything for my own personal gain! I just want to help, and in this case I'm trying to help my own family who simply cannot do it themselves. And I'm failing. I don't want to ask people for money, I don't want to ask for charity, I just want a chance. For anything! Just a friggen chance! A job, an opportunity, a couple of paychecks, a Christmas, a future! Anything. yet somehow I'm still in the middle of the dark in a very open space and when I scream I can't even hear my echo. I never did anything to deserve this. Hell, maybe I did. But I know one thing- My brother did not. 

If you made it this far into the rant? And actually read it? Thank you. Sincerely, thank you for listening. If you like, talk to me, I could use it right now. and if you'd prefer not to talk here, you can find me on skype. it's the same as my in game name on MC. Just write a little message so I know who you are. Hopefully, I can hear from you all soon. Sorry for taking up so much of your time.